It's crazy--life. I thought today, "I need to start blogging again. I need to get some of this shit out of my head, even if no one reads it." So I logged into my blog for the first time since April 2013 and what was my last blog post about?? The rapid passing of TIME. For those of you who know anything about what's been going on in my life recently, you may understand how painfully ironic that is. Just over a year before my life came crashing down around me, I wrote this:
"I think that we as a society have become all too accustomed to thinking "we have time", when that couldn't be further from the truth.."
I wrote that then promptly forgot about it. I spelled out this incredibly honest sentence for the world to read and then didn't even take the time to read it myself. Now, almost 2 years later, I wish I had read what I wrote more carefully. I wish I would have applied it because maybe then, on the day someone's clock ran out of time, I wouldn't be filled with suffocating regret.
June 11, 2014 started like any normal day. I was working and about to get off shift. 7:30am could not come soon enough, the night had been slow and tedious. Time dripped by and I was ready to be at home in bed. I reported off to the new nurse then went to leave to go home and sleep before coming back to work that night. As I was walking out of the hospital with a group of my coworkers I suddenly got what I've been calling "heart pain". It wasn't chest pain. I'm an ICU nurse, I know what that entails. It was deeper than that. It hurt to breathe and the onset was so sudden. I remember saying to my coworkers, "My heart hurts." I remember one of them making the witty retort, something to the tune of, "This place makes everyone's heart hurt." We laughed, we parted ways, we got into our cars. The drive home was tough. The pain got worse and worse to the point where it was worrying me. I almost went back to the hospital to get checked in the ER. But I kept telling myself, "It's fine. You're tired. You drank too much coffee. Suck it up." So I did and I kept driving, in spite of the pain.
When I finally got home, I went to let my dog out and passed the "Clean Linen" candle that's now probably sunk to the bottom of the pond behind my apartment by now (thrown there by yours truly in a fit of rage). I saw the candle and smiled. I smiled because the night before, I fell asleep in my chair and woke up barely in time to make it to work. I had a candle burning in my apartment--the "Clean Linen" candle. I rushed around getting ready, ran to my car and flew to work. The instant I hit the parking garage, I thought, "Shit. I don't know if I blew my candle out." So I texted Nikki. Nikki, my best friend, who lived in the same apartment complex as me. We had moved here together the September before. We were kind of like neighbor roommates and it was awesome. Anyways, I texted Nikki and said, "I lit a candle this afternoon before work then fell asleep without an alarm set. I woke up late and can't remember if I put it out or not. Could you check?" Her response, "No worries, love."
Later that night, this was our conversation:
Nikki: "Your candle was in fact out."
Me: "You are, in fact, the bestest friend."
Nikki: "Ohh hush. I walked 400ft and checked on a damn candle lol."
Me: "When you could have just let my apartment burn."
Nikki: "Lol"
Hence the smile when I saw the candle. Her words "I walked 400ft and checked on a damn candle" made me laugh all over again and instantly my heart stopped hurting. Weird, I know. I let my dog out then went to bed. Shortly there after, I got a phone call from a strange number. I ignored it because I was trying to get my sleep on. They didn't leave a voicemail. 3 phone calls later, they finally did. The voicemail, "Caitlin. It's Lindsay from work. Call me as soon as you get this." Lindsay? She's a shift coordinator. She's essentially one of my bosses. So immediately I thought I was getting fired for something. I remember thinking, "Worst case scenario, I lose my job. There are other jobs. Or I could just go back to nannying." Irony again. That was far from the worst case scenario. I called Lindsay back, bracing myself to get fired. She picked up the phone and that was the instant my world stopped. Came to a screeching halt, in fact. Her words, "Nikki's on life support. You need to call her mom." I remember handling it so chill. My response something along the lines of, "Ok. Thanks." That's shock for ya. I called Nikki's boyfriend who confirmed the news. My beautiful, hilarious best friend was on life support. As he was going through some of the details, my ICU nurse side kicked in. The details were spilling out of his mouth and they were adding up in my head. Still, without any shedding of tears, I hung up the phone and called my mom. My mom said, "Hey sweet girl" and the tears started. The only thing I could say was, "Mom, Nik's dead." The details that the stupid nurse inside of me had been adding up? Those details pointed to this being non-survivable. And the stupid nurse inside of me would NOT SHUT UP. Logic won out instead of the hope and support I should have been feeling as her best friend.
The next few days were a blur. A loving and amazing coworker who shall have my eternal love and gratitude drove me 3 hours round trip to see her in the hospital. She looked beautiful. Here I was, living this horrific nightmare that I prayed and prayed to wake up from and there she was, this beacon of beauty. Saying goodbye to her was the single hardest thing I have ever done. I held her hand, made her some promises and told her I would never forget her before I climbed back into my coworkers car and sobbed all the way home. NIkki passed away peacefully on June 13, 2014 at 11:09am. She was 26 years old and the most fun-loving, loyal and hilarious friend I've ever had.
That's when I learned, for the first time, what ADULTHOOD really is: hard. It's the expectation that when your world turns upside down, you figure out how to keep functioning. It's the realization that your fridge doesn't magically refill while you shed your body weight in tears laying in bed. It's understanding that the words "I'm sorry for your loss" don't help, but you force a smile and say, "me too" anyway. It's saying, "I'm hanging in there" instead of saying, "I'm still really fucking heartbroken." It's trying to forgive yourself for picking stupid fights and wasting valuable time. It's things you wish you had said and things you wish you could take back. It's heartbreak, regret, happiness, memories, firsts, lasts, smiles and tears all rolled up into one. They say beauty is pain. I used to only apply that to things like tweezing my eyebrows or wearing high heels. Now it has a different meaning. There's beauty in the heart pain I felt the morning of June 11. I tell myself it was her leaving and a piece of my heart going with her. There is beauty in the pain of grief. The only reason one grieves is for a life worth grieving. Tears aren't shed over people unworthy of tear shed. There have been lakes of tears shed for Nikki and there is beauty in that. When your heart is breaking into a million unrepairable pieces, people swarm you to let you know they care. They literally come out of the woodwork. There's beauty in that. You re-prioritize your life to try to make your loved one proud. There's beauty in that. Life is put into perspective. There's beauty in that. My beautiful bestie moved on to her next adventure nearly 7 months ago, yet she still manages to teach me something new every day. There's beauty in that.
Time runs out, beauty is pain and the world doesn't stop turning. That's adulthood and there's beauty in that.
"I think that we as a society have become all too accustomed to thinking "we have time", when that couldn't be further from the truth.."
I wrote that then promptly forgot about it. I spelled out this incredibly honest sentence for the world to read and then didn't even take the time to read it myself. Now, almost 2 years later, I wish I had read what I wrote more carefully. I wish I would have applied it because maybe then, on the day someone's clock ran out of time, I wouldn't be filled with suffocating regret.
June 11, 2014 started like any normal day. I was working and about to get off shift. 7:30am could not come soon enough, the night had been slow and tedious. Time dripped by and I was ready to be at home in bed. I reported off to the new nurse then went to leave to go home and sleep before coming back to work that night. As I was walking out of the hospital with a group of my coworkers I suddenly got what I've been calling "heart pain". It wasn't chest pain. I'm an ICU nurse, I know what that entails. It was deeper than that. It hurt to breathe and the onset was so sudden. I remember saying to my coworkers, "My heart hurts." I remember one of them making the witty retort, something to the tune of, "This place makes everyone's heart hurt." We laughed, we parted ways, we got into our cars. The drive home was tough. The pain got worse and worse to the point where it was worrying me. I almost went back to the hospital to get checked in the ER. But I kept telling myself, "It's fine. You're tired. You drank too much coffee. Suck it up." So I did and I kept driving, in spite of the pain.
When I finally got home, I went to let my dog out and passed the "Clean Linen" candle that's now probably sunk to the bottom of the pond behind my apartment by now (thrown there by yours truly in a fit of rage). I saw the candle and smiled. I smiled because the night before, I fell asleep in my chair and woke up barely in time to make it to work. I had a candle burning in my apartment--the "Clean Linen" candle. I rushed around getting ready, ran to my car and flew to work. The instant I hit the parking garage, I thought, "Shit. I don't know if I blew my candle out." So I texted Nikki. Nikki, my best friend, who lived in the same apartment complex as me. We had moved here together the September before. We were kind of like neighbor roommates and it was awesome. Anyways, I texted Nikki and said, "I lit a candle this afternoon before work then fell asleep without an alarm set. I woke up late and can't remember if I put it out or not. Could you check?" Her response, "No worries, love."
Later that night, this was our conversation:
Nikki: "Your candle was in fact out."
Me: "You are, in fact, the bestest friend."
Nikki: "Ohh hush. I walked 400ft and checked on a damn candle lol."
Me: "When you could have just let my apartment burn."
Nikki: "Lol"
Hence the smile when I saw the candle. Her words "I walked 400ft and checked on a damn candle" made me laugh all over again and instantly my heart stopped hurting. Weird, I know. I let my dog out then went to bed. Shortly there after, I got a phone call from a strange number. I ignored it because I was trying to get my sleep on. They didn't leave a voicemail. 3 phone calls later, they finally did. The voicemail, "Caitlin. It's Lindsay from work. Call me as soon as you get this." Lindsay? She's a shift coordinator. She's essentially one of my bosses. So immediately I thought I was getting fired for something. I remember thinking, "Worst case scenario, I lose my job. There are other jobs. Or I could just go back to nannying." Irony again. That was far from the worst case scenario. I called Lindsay back, bracing myself to get fired. She picked up the phone and that was the instant my world stopped. Came to a screeching halt, in fact. Her words, "Nikki's on life support. You need to call her mom." I remember handling it so chill. My response something along the lines of, "Ok. Thanks." That's shock for ya. I called Nikki's boyfriend who confirmed the news. My beautiful, hilarious best friend was on life support. As he was going through some of the details, my ICU nurse side kicked in. The details were spilling out of his mouth and they were adding up in my head. Still, without any shedding of tears, I hung up the phone and called my mom. My mom said, "Hey sweet girl" and the tears started. The only thing I could say was, "Mom, Nik's dead." The details that the stupid nurse inside of me had been adding up? Those details pointed to this being non-survivable. And the stupid nurse inside of me would NOT SHUT UP. Logic won out instead of the hope and support I should have been feeling as her best friend.
The next few days were a blur. A loving and amazing coworker who shall have my eternal love and gratitude drove me 3 hours round trip to see her in the hospital. She looked beautiful. Here I was, living this horrific nightmare that I prayed and prayed to wake up from and there she was, this beacon of beauty. Saying goodbye to her was the single hardest thing I have ever done. I held her hand, made her some promises and told her I would never forget her before I climbed back into my coworkers car and sobbed all the way home. NIkki passed away peacefully on June 13, 2014 at 11:09am. She was 26 years old and the most fun-loving, loyal and hilarious friend I've ever had.
That's when I learned, for the first time, what ADULTHOOD really is: hard. It's the expectation that when your world turns upside down, you figure out how to keep functioning. It's the realization that your fridge doesn't magically refill while you shed your body weight in tears laying in bed. It's understanding that the words "I'm sorry for your loss" don't help, but you force a smile and say, "me too" anyway. It's saying, "I'm hanging in there" instead of saying, "I'm still really fucking heartbroken." It's trying to forgive yourself for picking stupid fights and wasting valuable time. It's things you wish you had said and things you wish you could take back. It's heartbreak, regret, happiness, memories, firsts, lasts, smiles and tears all rolled up into one. They say beauty is pain. I used to only apply that to things like tweezing my eyebrows or wearing high heels. Now it has a different meaning. There's beauty in the heart pain I felt the morning of June 11. I tell myself it was her leaving and a piece of my heart going with her. There is beauty in the pain of grief. The only reason one grieves is for a life worth grieving. Tears aren't shed over people unworthy of tear shed. There have been lakes of tears shed for Nikki and there is beauty in that. When your heart is breaking into a million unrepairable pieces, people swarm you to let you know they care. They literally come out of the woodwork. There's beauty in that. You re-prioritize your life to try to make your loved one proud. There's beauty in that. Life is put into perspective. There's beauty in that. My beautiful bestie moved on to her next adventure nearly 7 months ago, yet she still manages to teach me something new every day. There's beauty in that.
Time runs out, beauty is pain and the world doesn't stop turning. That's adulthood and there's beauty in that.
"If you're a bird, I'm a bird."
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